I haven't posted in awhile, but a lot has happened since my last post.
At the end of February, I started a new drug for my neuropathy called Cymbalta. It seems to have done more for me than anything else I have tried. The pain while walking is still there, but I seem to be able to push through it better. It allowed me to walk far enough to feel comfortable going back in to the office.
Going back to the office has been a nice taste of normalcy, but it has added an element of chaos back into my life that I didn't miss. It's really nice to see my coworkers...to socialize.
I had a CT scan and blood work done mid-March. My blood counts came back the best they have ever been! My CEA was 1.6 (normal is below 2.5), and my hemoglobin was over 13 (normal!). Very encouraging numbers.
I met with my doctor last week to discuss the results of the scan. Everything looked good, except it revealed a 1 cm mass that was not there in the previous scan.
After four day's worth of exams, ultrasounds, the discovery of another mass, biopsies, and mental chaos, they were found as benign. Not cancer.
The reality of cancer returning is a reality I am not ready to face. Will I ever be ready? No.
All I want is for this nightmare of 2012 to be put behind me and to never look back.
But this is my reality, now that I have had cancer. It could come back at any time, or it could stay away forever. My hope is for the latter, but only God knows what is in store for me. Accepting this reality is the hardest part of my recovery.
So, this is going to be my world for the next few years. Every couple of months, I get a scan, and pray nothing has "sprouted". This being the first time something did, has been a learning experience...as will each one from now on. There will be false alarms...there might be real ones...I need to accept that this is the way life is for a cancer survivor.
Will it get easier? I don't know. My guess is that the more accepting I am of my life's path, the easier it will be.
I need to put it in God's hands.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Reality
When you're diagnosed with cancer, doctors tell you not to Google it. There's just too much stuff out there.
Of course, I didn't listen.
In the start of my diagnosis, I was reading all kinds of stories of people who had colon cancer and kicked it's butt...and then there were the ones who didn't. After reading a few of the "fought it and died" stories, I heeded my doctor's advice, and stopped Googling. It was just too scary for me to see this battle ahead of me, and absorb the possibility that I might not win.
Now that I am on the downside of the mountain, I snuck a peek again.
When colon cancer is staged, not only is it given a number; it's also given a letter. Just like the numbers, as the letters progress, the prognosis is worse. Stage III (my stage) is given 3 letter grades: A, B, and C. When my cancer was staged, I was too scared to ask for the letter classification...
In my Googling, I discovered I am stage IIIC, because I had 7 cancerous lymph nodes removed.
Ok, now that I have this info, let's Google "Colon Cancer Stage IIIC 5 year Survival Rates".
27%, according to cancer.org.
Holy.
Shit.
...
So, there's two ways I can look at this:
A. There's a 73% chance I will be dead in 5 years.
B. There's a 27% chance I will be alive in 5 years and have KICKED IT'S ASS!
I am choosing letter B.
In choosing letter B:
- I can no longer look at letter A.
- I am committing to a healthy lifestyle packed with lots of fruits, veggies, fish, twigs and birdseed.
- I am confident in God's plan for me, and will accept whatever that plan is.
- I commit to appreciate life, and what God has given me: a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, a family who cares, a fantastic group of friends, and two loving furkids. Oh, and let's not forget the SECOND CHANCE I got in my cancer being discovered one stage before terminal. Actually, it was 1/3 of a stage.
- No more Googling. Everyone's situation is different. Most people diagnosed with stage IIIC are over the age of 70, and can die from other things post diagnosis (the statistics don't account for this). I have youth and my "coming from sturdy stock" in my favor.
I am a lucky and fortunate girl. Cancer and it's treatment have left me with a long road of recovery, but I am going to walk it.
Every step.
Of course, I didn't listen.
In the start of my diagnosis, I was reading all kinds of stories of people who had colon cancer and kicked it's butt...and then there were the ones who didn't. After reading a few of the "fought it and died" stories, I heeded my doctor's advice, and stopped Googling. It was just too scary for me to see this battle ahead of me, and absorb the possibility that I might not win.
Now that I am on the downside of the mountain, I snuck a peek again.
When colon cancer is staged, not only is it given a number; it's also given a letter. Just like the numbers, as the letters progress, the prognosis is worse. Stage III (my stage) is given 3 letter grades: A, B, and C. When my cancer was staged, I was too scared to ask for the letter classification...
In my Googling, I discovered I am stage IIIC, because I had 7 cancerous lymph nodes removed.
Ok, now that I have this info, let's Google "Colon Cancer Stage IIIC 5 year Survival Rates".
27%, according to cancer.org.
Holy.
Shit.
...
So, there's two ways I can look at this:
A. There's a 73% chance I will be dead in 5 years.
B. There's a 27% chance I will be alive in 5 years and have KICKED IT'S ASS!
I am choosing letter B.
In choosing letter B:
- I can no longer look at letter A.
- I am committing to a healthy lifestyle packed with lots of fruits, veggies, fish, twigs and birdseed.
- I am confident in God's plan for me, and will accept whatever that plan is.
- I commit to appreciate life, and what God has given me: a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, a family who cares, a fantastic group of friends, and two loving furkids. Oh, and let's not forget the SECOND CHANCE I got in my cancer being discovered one stage before terminal. Actually, it was 1/3 of a stage.
- No more Googling. Everyone's situation is different. Most people diagnosed with stage IIIC are over the age of 70, and can die from other things post diagnosis (the statistics don't account for this). I have youth and my "coming from sturdy stock" in my favor.
I am a lucky and fortunate girl. Cancer and it's treatment have left me with a long road of recovery, but I am going to walk it.
Every step.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Long Road Ahead
My focus, for the last 3 weeks, has been to do what I can do to try and bring feeling back into my hands and feet.
Acupuncture twice a week seemed to help in the beginning, but now it seems to not make a difference. I notice an improvement for an hour or two, and then I am back to square one.
I was put on a different med, Lyrica, but I still don't know if it has made a difference.
I am eating more fruits and vegetables than I have EVER eaten...eating fish twice a week. No red meat.
I am taking several supplements that have been shown to help with peripheral neuropathy.
Yet, I still can't feel the damned things.
SO FRUSTRATING!!!
Late Friday afternoon, it seemed warmer than it was. The sun was out, and it was in the mid 20's. We decided to take the dogs to the dogpark for a little while.
When getting out of the truck, Rizzo's leash slipped out of my (numb) hand. She thought she was being let loose in the fenced area, so she took off. For whatever reason, she wouldn't come when we called her. With Ron's back still being "out of commission", and my feet not cooperating, neither one of us could run after her.
Talk about feeling helpless!
Fortunately, we were able to keep her in sight, and eventually she got cold and went to Ron. I can't tell you how many awful things went through my head, watching her run around this unfamiliar neighborhood. So scary...but I am so thankful it ended up ok. We have her back.
This situation put my mind into a very big funk. I try to keep my head away from thinking what cancer has taken away from me by thinking about what I still have. This list isn't as long as I would like it to be, and it almost got shorter. Cancer almost took one of our "kids" away from us on Friday.
Yes, I am thankful it didn't, but it was a stark reminder of how far I have yet to go in recovering from being poisoned for 6 months.
I want so bad to be able to have my old self back. I want to think it will come, but I question it at times. Cancer has changed me in so many ways, but there are some changes that are going to be hard to accept. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in today, not to think about the "whatifs"...so much easier said than done.
I have to count on the fact that I have the ability to adapt. No matter what the outcome ends up being, I will be able to deal with it.
Acupuncture twice a week seemed to help in the beginning, but now it seems to not make a difference. I notice an improvement for an hour or two, and then I am back to square one.
I was put on a different med, Lyrica, but I still don't know if it has made a difference.
I am eating more fruits and vegetables than I have EVER eaten...eating fish twice a week. No red meat.
I am taking several supplements that have been shown to help with peripheral neuropathy.
Yet, I still can't feel the damned things.
SO FRUSTRATING!!!
Late Friday afternoon, it seemed warmer than it was. The sun was out, and it was in the mid 20's. We decided to take the dogs to the dogpark for a little while.
When getting out of the truck, Rizzo's leash slipped out of my (numb) hand. She thought she was being let loose in the fenced area, so she took off. For whatever reason, she wouldn't come when we called her. With Ron's back still being "out of commission", and my feet not cooperating, neither one of us could run after her.
Talk about feeling helpless!
Fortunately, we were able to keep her in sight, and eventually she got cold and went to Ron. I can't tell you how many awful things went through my head, watching her run around this unfamiliar neighborhood. So scary...but I am so thankful it ended up ok. We have her back.
This situation put my mind into a very big funk. I try to keep my head away from thinking what cancer has taken away from me by thinking about what I still have. This list isn't as long as I would like it to be, and it almost got shorter. Cancer almost took one of our "kids" away from us on Friday.
Yes, I am thankful it didn't, but it was a stark reminder of how far I have yet to go in recovering from being poisoned for 6 months.
I want so bad to be able to have my old self back. I want to think it will come, but I question it at times. Cancer has changed me in so many ways, but there are some changes that are going to be hard to accept. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in today, not to think about the "whatifs"...so much easier said than done.
I have to count on the fact that I have the ability to adapt. No matter what the outcome ends up being, I will be able to deal with it.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Frustration
I am a month and four days chemo-free. When I was in the depths of chemo hell, I had envisioned this to be so much different than it is. I had imagined feeling a bit sluggish for awhile, but being back to "me" a lot quicker than I am getting there. My main issue is the lack of endurance, and the neuropathy. Stairs still leave me winded after one flight, and my feet are still numb and feel like they are going to pop after walking 10 or so paces. I swear, after walking through the grocery store, you could take off my shoes and see a big, inflated ball of a foot with little tiny toes poking out...but, they look normal. They just feel like...Fred Flintstone feet.
I am still going to acupuncture twice a week. I asked the acupucturist if I was being impatient. She said I should give it more time...like four more weeks...and then we will evaluate my progress. I have had some improvement...but I have a LONG way to go. We tried electric stimulus on the needles yesterday. It definitely woke things up, but it didn't last.
Part of me is scared this is permanent. I was told at the beginning of my treatments that the neuropathy could be. I can't think about that right now...too scary. I need to focus on today, and what good it has given me.
I have gotten used to the new eating regimen. I have found myself craving vegetables...unheard of in my "former life". We continue to experiment with new types of fish. So far, tuna steaks and swordfish are ones I would definitely eat again (especially swordfish!), and Mahi Mahi is on the menu for the weekend. Definitely a huge change in eating habits, for both of us. It feels good to have made the switch.
So, yes, I am frustrated, but I won't let it kick my butt. I need to keep doing what I am doing, and whatever the result ends up to be is what was meant to be. I don't have cancer anymore. I have to hang on to that.
I am still going to acupuncture twice a week. I asked the acupucturist if I was being impatient. She said I should give it more time...like four more weeks...and then we will evaluate my progress. I have had some improvement...but I have a LONG way to go. We tried electric stimulus on the needles yesterday. It definitely woke things up, but it didn't last.
Part of me is scared this is permanent. I was told at the beginning of my treatments that the neuropathy could be. I can't think about that right now...too scary. I need to focus on today, and what good it has given me.
I have gotten used to the new eating regimen. I have found myself craving vegetables...unheard of in my "former life". We continue to experiment with new types of fish. So far, tuna steaks and swordfish are ones I would definitely eat again (especially swordfish!), and Mahi Mahi is on the menu for the weekend. Definitely a huge change in eating habits, for both of us. It feels good to have made the switch.
So, yes, I am frustrated, but I won't let it kick my butt. I need to keep doing what I am doing, and whatever the result ends up to be is what was meant to be. I don't have cancer anymore. I have to hang on to that.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Big Changes
Wow, cold has returned. What a shock...we live in Minnesota, and it's cold? Pfft.
We tried to get out and enjoy the warmer weather the last two days by bringing the "kids" to the dogpark. I made booties for them awhile ago, and this was an opportunity to see how they worked. They worked fabulous, but it was absolutely hilarious watching them try to get used to them. They were a bit slippery on the snow, so traction to take off running was more like watching an old cartoon where the character runs in place for a couple of seconds before taking off. I laughed so hard I cried. Good times.
I had a visit with the nutritionist on Friday. Wow, do I have some changes to deal with. Fortunately, I can still eat meat, but my red meat intake is extremely limited. And, red meat (as far as colon cancer prevention is concerned) also includes pork. So, for meat, I can do chicken, turkey, and a maximum of 6 ounces of red meat a week. I can do as much fish as I want, but I don't like many types of fish. We tried tilapia yesterday...blech. We will keep trying, but may have to do the shrimp and seafood route instead. Fresh tuna steaks are next on the menu.
I had acupuncture yesterday. After all the needles came out, he gave me a pounding massage on my arms and legs to get the blood moving more. Wow, did my feet feel great after that! Since we are still in the beginning of treatment, the effects don't last...I still feel improvement today, but nothing like I felt when I left the clinic yesterday.
I haven't fallen since I stopped taking the Gabapentin., and I am not dropping stuff as much (although, I did drop my entire dinner plate on the table last night! My wonderful hubby scraped it all back onto the plate, and gave me his. What a guy!)
Last night, I had a dream our old dog, Gator, was still with us. He could swim and walk just fine. I woke up feeling sad that he was gone. He was a great little dog with the attitude and sense of humor of his mama. He spent 16 years with us, and we were so blessed to have him for that long. For the last three years of his life, he was having acupuncture treatments for arthritis in his hips. I'm sure my experience with acupuncture is why I dreamt about him last night, but I also think it may have been a sign that he is doing just fine in heaven.
Love you, Monster!
We tried to get out and enjoy the warmer weather the last two days by bringing the "kids" to the dogpark. I made booties for them awhile ago, and this was an opportunity to see how they worked. They worked fabulous, but it was absolutely hilarious watching them try to get used to them. They were a bit slippery on the snow, so traction to take off running was more like watching an old cartoon where the character runs in place for a couple of seconds before taking off. I laughed so hard I cried. Good times.
I had a visit with the nutritionist on Friday. Wow, do I have some changes to deal with. Fortunately, I can still eat meat, but my red meat intake is extremely limited. And, red meat (as far as colon cancer prevention is concerned) also includes pork. So, for meat, I can do chicken, turkey, and a maximum of 6 ounces of red meat a week. I can do as much fish as I want, but I don't like many types of fish. We tried tilapia yesterday...blech. We will keep trying, but may have to do the shrimp and seafood route instead. Fresh tuna steaks are next on the menu.
I had acupuncture yesterday. After all the needles came out, he gave me a pounding massage on my arms and legs to get the blood moving more. Wow, did my feet feel great after that! Since we are still in the beginning of treatment, the effects don't last...I still feel improvement today, but nothing like I felt when I left the clinic yesterday.
I haven't fallen since I stopped taking the Gabapentin., and I am not dropping stuff as much (although, I did drop my entire dinner plate on the table last night! My wonderful hubby scraped it all back onto the plate, and gave me his. What a guy!)
Last night, I had a dream our old dog, Gator, was still with us. He could swim and walk just fine. I woke up feeling sad that he was gone. He was a great little dog with the attitude and sense of humor of his mama. He spent 16 years with us, and we were so blessed to have him for that long. For the last three years of his life, he was having acupuncture treatments for arthritis in his hips. I'm sure my experience with acupuncture is why I dreamt about him last night, but I also think it may have been a sign that he is doing just fine in heaven.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Slowly getting there
I met with my oncologist, and I am still considered "No Evidence of Disease". Woot!
I have been having serious issues with neuropathy the last couple of weeks. It seemed like it was getting worse, rather than better. I was dropping everything, falling 3 times in one week, having a hard time walking in a straight line when I got out of bed.
Something didn't seem right. Then, I remembered my husband's experience with one of the drugs I am on...Gabapentin. It's a drug used to treat nerve pain and neuropathy, along with seizures. He had problems with dropping things when he was on it, and he got dizzy. I looked up it's side effects...numbness/tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, muscle weakness, fatigue. I stopped taking it yesterday, and talked to the oncologist about it today.
At first, he was nervous, thinking I was dealing with a brain tumor. After a lengthy neurological exam and talking about the side effects, he is confident it is the drug that is affecting me. I should be free of the side effects of the drug in a week. If the symptoms subside, we're good. If they get worse, we will need to do a brain scan. I don't think we will get to that point.
I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. It was amazing! After the appointment, I immediately noticed an improvement in my hands and feet. It will take a few sessions to get the maximum benefit. I go in again Saturday...can't wait!
I see the nutritionist tomorrow. It should be an interesting visit. I am looking forward to using food as my medicine.
So, things are slowly coming around. Not fast enough for me. I am really wanting to get active again. Hopefully, quitting the Gabapentin and starting acupuncture will help with this.
I want to be able to put this behind me and get on with my life with the new tools I have acquired.
I have been having serious issues with neuropathy the last couple of weeks. It seemed like it was getting worse, rather than better. I was dropping everything, falling 3 times in one week, having a hard time walking in a straight line when I got out of bed.
Something didn't seem right. Then, I remembered my husband's experience with one of the drugs I am on...Gabapentin. It's a drug used to treat nerve pain and neuropathy, along with seizures. He had problems with dropping things when he was on it, and he got dizzy. I looked up it's side effects...numbness/tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, muscle weakness, fatigue. I stopped taking it yesterday, and talked to the oncologist about it today.
At first, he was nervous, thinking I was dealing with a brain tumor. After a lengthy neurological exam and talking about the side effects, he is confident it is the drug that is affecting me. I should be free of the side effects of the drug in a week. If the symptoms subside, we're good. If they get worse, we will need to do a brain scan. I don't think we will get to that point.
I had my first acupuncture appointment yesterday. It was amazing! After the appointment, I immediately noticed an improvement in my hands and feet. It will take a few sessions to get the maximum benefit. I go in again Saturday...can't wait!
I see the nutritionist tomorrow. It should be an interesting visit. I am looking forward to using food as my medicine.
So, things are slowly coming around. Not fast enough for me. I am really wanting to get active again. Hopefully, quitting the Gabapentin and starting acupuncture will help with this.
I want to be able to put this behind me and get on with my life with the new tools I have acquired.
Friday, January 11, 2013
New Normal
So I had my CT scan yesterday, I will receive results next Thursday, when I meet with my oncologist.
Yesterday morning was a reality check of how freaked out my body became when going to chemo treatments. I didn't want to get out of bed. I left the house late. Once I got in to the building, the smells set off my survival instincts, and all I wanted to do was run (I know, yeah right, like I could run right now!). Then I went up into the chemo suite to have my port accessed (for the CT scan dye)...wow, my head was just a mess of "NO, I don't want to do this again!!!"
My port was accessed, and I got to leave!
Wow, chemo really is done. I can't get used to this gift of freedom!
Hoping and praying for good news from the scan...allowing the freedom to continue!
Yesterday morning was a reality check of how freaked out my body became when going to chemo treatments. I didn't want to get out of bed. I left the house late. Once I got in to the building, the smells set off my survival instincts, and all I wanted to do was run (I know, yeah right, like I could run right now!). Then I went up into the chemo suite to have my port accessed (for the CT scan dye)...wow, my head was just a mess of "NO, I don't want to do this again!!!"
My port was accessed, and I got to leave!
Wow, chemo really is done. I can't get used to this gift of freedom!
Hoping and praying for good news from the scan...allowing the freedom to continue!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Patience
If this was a normal chemo week, my next treatment would be tomorrow. I can't put it into words how grateful I am that I don't have to do that anymore. I have a CT scan on Thursday, then meet with my oncologist next week to discuss results.
Piece of cake.
I am getting frustrated with my system taking its time to get ME back.
The neuropathy is still present, but getting better slowly. This morning, I could feel the coolness of the vinyl floor in the kitchen...something I haven't felt in about 3 months.
My fingertips are still numb, and my hands get sluggish quickly. I made booties for the dogs over the weekend...it was quite the challenge to make them with half-dead hands, but I did it!
I still huff and puff after doing one flight of stairs...frustrating in a 3 level townhome!
I actually styled my hair this morning. This is the first time I have done so in about a month. I still hate the way it looks...stringy. BUT, I hate the way I look in hats, too. I guess I just have to avoid mirrors for awhile.
Once again, a reminder that I have to have patience and to cut myself some slack. My body has been through hell for the last 7 months. It's not going to be back to normal in 2 weeks. It takes time to heal, and my body has a lot of healing to do.
Ronda will be back...it's just gonna take awhile.
Piece of cake.
I am getting frustrated with my system taking its time to get ME back.
The neuropathy is still present, but getting better slowly. This morning, I could feel the coolness of the vinyl floor in the kitchen...something I haven't felt in about 3 months.
My fingertips are still numb, and my hands get sluggish quickly. I made booties for the dogs over the weekend...it was quite the challenge to make them with half-dead hands, but I did it!
I still huff and puff after doing one flight of stairs...frustrating in a 3 level townhome!
I actually styled my hair this morning. This is the first time I have done so in about a month. I still hate the way it looks...stringy. BUT, I hate the way I look in hats, too. I guess I just have to avoid mirrors for awhile.
Once again, a reminder that I have to have patience and to cut myself some slack. My body has been through hell for the last 7 months. It's not going to be back to normal in 2 weeks. It takes time to heal, and my body has a lot of healing to do.
Ronda will be back...it's just gonna take awhile.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Hello, 2013
Happy New Year!
It's finally 2013. I have been waiting to be able to say that for 6 months.
I am on my way back "up", and it's really weird to think I am not getting knocked back down again. I am still fighting the urge to get everything done before I can't do it. It's all uphill from here!
The neuropathy in my feet is still with me. It's getting slightly better each day, and I am hoping acupuncture will speed up the process.
I spoke with my nurse at the cancer clinic, and have the process started to work with a nutritionist to get my system cleansed and to try and get my body working normally again. This will involve several blood tests to figure out what the chemo has screwed up, and then we use food as our medicine to heal. I am also hoping to get into some kind of exercise routine soon. I am still to fatigued to attempt it now, but it's in the game plan. I am so looking forward to getting my body back to "functional". I have been sick way too long.
I am feeling a wave of gratitude starting to overcome me. I think it's because I am beginning to believe the worst is finally over. I am so thankful for my loving, supportive husband. I couldn't have fought this war without him. I am thankful for my support circle of family and friends who have been so generous with offers of help and prayers. My cancer has brought people out of the woodwork that I didn't even think they knew I existed. It's overwhelming...in a good way.
I think I am going to come out of this battle a softer, more caring person. I want to be able to reach out and help those who have been affected by this disease, just like people did for me.
It's finally 2013. I have been waiting to be able to say that for 6 months.
I am on my way back "up", and it's really weird to think I am not getting knocked back down again. I am still fighting the urge to get everything done before I can't do it. It's all uphill from here!
The neuropathy in my feet is still with me. It's getting slightly better each day, and I am hoping acupuncture will speed up the process.
I spoke with my nurse at the cancer clinic, and have the process started to work with a nutritionist to get my system cleansed and to try and get my body working normally again. This will involve several blood tests to figure out what the chemo has screwed up, and then we use food as our medicine to heal. I am also hoping to get into some kind of exercise routine soon. I am still to fatigued to attempt it now, but it's in the game plan. I am so looking forward to getting my body back to "functional". I have been sick way too long.
I am feeling a wave of gratitude starting to overcome me. I think it's because I am beginning to believe the worst is finally over. I am so thankful for my loving, supportive husband. I couldn't have fought this war without him. I am thankful for my support circle of family and friends who have been so generous with offers of help and prayers. My cancer has brought people out of the woodwork that I didn't even think they knew I existed. It's overwhelming...in a good way.
I think I am going to come out of this battle a softer, more caring person. I want to be able to reach out and help those who have been affected by this disease, just like people did for me.
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