The worst is over

Today, my fluids were disconnected and my port was de-accessed. 

I AM DONE WITH CHEMO!

Of course, when the needle came out, I burst into happy tears...just like I did when the sun hit my face after my surgery. I feel like a HUGE mountain has been conquered in this fight.

There is a bit of denial that will have to be dealt with. I still have the sense of urgency...like I have to get everything done before I get blasted again. I have a huge case of the what-ifs...What if the cancer comes back? What if the neuropathy doesn't go away?

It's almost like I am scared to be happy for me. A part of me figures the second I begin to celebrate, something else will fall apart. 

I know, not a good way to come out of the hardest fight of my life. 

I'm working on it. It's scary to be optimistic after something like this has happened. 

I will get there. I promise.

2013, here I come!

Dear Cancer

"Dear Cancer,
I just wanted to thank you for coming into my life. It has been a wonderful journey! When I was diagnosed with you, I had to have you surgically removed. This involved the removal of 6 inches of colon and 15 lymph nodes. You sneaky little shit, you got into 7 of those lymph nodes! That meant I had to do chemo! Yippee!

What did chemo bless me with? Oh, let me think...let's start with the wonderful, slimy sensation in my mouth that causes me to not be able to eat or drink comfortably. Don't forget the cold sensitivity, which has caused me to not be able to eat or drink anything cold for the last five months. Who needs a cold, refreshing drink here and there...especially in the summer? Certainly not me!

Oh, I sleep like a baby...at least 12 hours a day. You did a great job of getting rid of the insomnia I had earlier this year. Now, I can't seem to get enough sleep!

I used to be such a busy-body...always cleaning, running errands, etc. Now, I have a hard time walking a flight of stairs. Life is so much more relaxing, now that I can't clean my own house or run my own errands!

Then, there is the 50 or so strands of hair I have left. How quickly they dry! To think, I used to spend a half an hour or so, drying my hair in the morning. I have so much more time on my hands.

Eyebrows? They have plucked themselves, to the point of almost non-existence. Eyelashes? Who needs them? Facial hair is such a bother!

Oh, and I have developed this beautiful green tinge to my skin. I have always loved green! How did you know?

Don't forget the neuropathy! You know, that pleasant feeling you get when your foot has fallen asleep  and is now waking up? That tingly feeling that makes it hard to walk? That's my feet, 24/7! And, if it happens to go away, all I have to do to bring it back, is blow my nose! It's great! My hands don't have this feeling 24/7, only when I touch things that are colder than room temperature. I make sure to do it often, just to be sure it's still there.

Finally, there's the weight gain. How nice of you to give me an extra 50 pounds of insulation to protect me from the cold winter. I knew you cared.

Thanks again for coming into my life, cancer. I truly feel blessed by your presence."

-Said NO ONE. EVER.

Starting tomorrow, I can look forward to these things slowly going away FOR GOOD. After dealing with this for 5 months, it seems too good to be true. 

Normalcy, here I come. 

Cancer gets one more swing, and then I am on my way.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

We had a nice Christmas. We celebrated with one set of kids/grandkids on Sunday, which was a nice time. Christmas Eve was spent snuggling with the puppers and watching them play with/destroy their new toys. Today, we got together with my side of the family for a nice brunch. All in all, it was a nice holiday.

I am very fortunate that my chemo schedule has allowed me to celebrate the holidays on a "good week". I was able to do some of the things I love to do (make candy and lefse), and enjoy time spent with family. 

I have had issues with the neuropathy in my calves and feet. I have been doing a lot of standing (while making candy and lefse) and it's definitely taking it's toll. Hopefully, it clears up after we are all done.

I am so pumped to get my last treatment done with. I am still in denial that the end of the chemo road is so close. It just seems too good to be true. 

I was talking with my uncle today, who is also going through a chemo regimen for prostate/bone cancer. We started talking about empathy, and how you tend not to acquire it until you have "been there". Having cancer has definitely made me more empathetic...not only to cancer, but to other ailments as well. I feel like it has made me more aware of other people. It has also made me more open to new people, letting more people in to my world. I have made more friends in that last six months than I have in a decade. 

I am not about to say I am grateful for my cancer, I'm still pretty pissed at it. 

I do think that having cancer has changed me, and I don't think I am done changing. 

It has been quite the road, and I am about to the end of it. 

Thank you, God, for giving me the strength to walk it.

Almost There!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Of course, this time of year causes one to reflect. I am trying so hard to stay looking forward. One more treatment, and we're DONE! Looking back on the year makes me mad, but grateful at the same time. I am mad at cancer, and how it has affected so many lives close to me. I am grateful mine was caught when it was, giving me a chance to fight it and WIN. 

I have so many people that I am grateful for. So many people have come forward and offered up prayers and encouragement, I can't thank everyone enough for their support. 

The timing of my treatments has been perfect. I am able to enjoy my "good week" for the holidays. I have done some candy making, and helped mom make lefse today. I know Gramma was there in spirit, proudly watching us. I love carrying on the Scandinavian traditions she taught us:

1. Never make just a single batch of anything.
2. Make it with love.
3. Give it away.

Please take time to reflect on what you are grateful for this year. Cherish it, and use it to inspire a fantastic 2013. 

Cancer, you suck!

Today, I am pissed off at cancer. 

Not because of what it has done to me. Personally, I think I had it coming. I worked at "chemical saturated" jobs for decades, smoked for 20+ years, ate a shitty diet.

What pisses me off is when it happens to an innocent child.

Leukemia in our grandson. Why?

A coworker's 14 year old son just died yesterday from a malignant brain tumor that was discovered 3 weeks ago. Why?

We have landed on the moon, landed a robot on Mars. Why the hell can't we figure out how to get rid of this nasty disease?

It's not fair when it happens to kids. 

It's downright cruel.

The second to the last punch

#11 is in progress, pump comes off tomorrow morning. Then fluids for 2 days and I am free.

I feel like crap, but it helps to know that this is cancer's second to the last punch. One more, and I'm DONE!!!

Woot!

I left the infusion suite with bittersweet feelings. These nurses and doctors have become part of my family. I had my favorite infusion nurse, Mel, yesterday. I am going to miss her humor and spunk. Hopefully, I can connect through facebook with these people to stay in touch.

My visits to the U of M are far from being done...I will still have to have CT scans and bloodwork done every 2 months. I think this goes on for a year, and then the frequency is lessened to 6 months? Not sure. I will still have my chance to walk through the infusion suite and say hi to my favorite people.

I have taken to wearing scarves (mom and I made a ton of them in the beginning of my hair loss). I wore one yesterday that had a ton of metallic print on it. I figured I could sit by a sunny window and be a disco ball for the staff. It didn't work, but my efforts were appreciated. 

So, #11, you're kicking my butt, but I will get up again. We are too far into this to lay down and die. I will make it.

I WILL MAKE IT!

The Final Stretch

Day after tomorrow is #11. After that, only one more to go.

You would think I would be ecstatic, but I'm not. I am fretting the worst month of my life, which starts 48 hours from now.

You may think I am being pessimistic or negative. I'm not...it's reality.

Each one of these treatments has been worse than the previous. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Nothing tells me that #11 won't be nastier than #10. It will be nastier, and then there will be #12.

This week, I have found myself absolutely exhausted and sick of the fight. Getting dressed in the morning is an effort. I have stopped dealing with my hair...hats are so much easier. I am sick of putting up the front of a "not sick" person. 

In my head, I put up the front so people won't worry about me. This is unrealistic. If people love me, they will worry, even if I look well. They know I am going through hell. 

I can't do the front thing anymore. What you see is how I feel.

Between now and the end of the year, I have to take it day by day. I have a small amount of energy that I decide what it gets spent on. It will be like rationing food during a crisis...I have to use it wisely and not waste it on fronts or petty bullshit. 

One more day, and the claw to the top begins.

Snow

It's snowing today. Our first real snow event of the year. I am glad it has held off so long, but hate the fact that it's here. Winter has arrived in Minnesota.

Blech.

I have finally gotten over the bug that has been with me for a couple of weeks. It took a trip to the clinic and a blast of antibiotics. It went into my ear last weekend...that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I knew my own immune system wasn't going to take care of it before it got bad. Fortunately, the antibiotics worked and my eardrum is still intact! I still have some congestion, but I am definitely on the mend. Just in time for another treatment...ugh.

It's frustrating to get sick on a "good week". It makes me feel like I haven't gotten a break from being sick. Fortunately I have a few days to enjoy being able to eat and drink without mouth symptoms, and having more energy than I did last week...which isn't saying much.

Every Christmas for the past few years, my mom and I have been carrying on my Gramma's tradition of making lefse. We learned how to do it on our own, taking from memories of Gramma and Betty making it and a collage of YouTube videos. 

A flour fire, and 3 hours later, we had about 20 pieces of lefse that looked beautiful, but crumbled when you tried to pick it up. We considered it a success, and knew Gramma was looking down on us, laughing so hard. The next year, we tried a different recipe and it was an absolute success. I have found it to be the only food I can eat right after treatment the last few rounds. To me, it's a sign that Gramma is with me, offering comfort. 

Mom also makes caramels every year. Last night, we spent two hours cutting and wrapping 20 pounds of delicious, buttery caramels. It took a lot out of me, but I was glad to participate in the tradition. Hopefully, I can help with the lefse this year.

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but this year it's hard. Two more treatments will happen between now and the end of the year. It's good to know the end is near, but this is the steepest part of the climb. We will get to the top, and kick cancer right off the cliff. 

Deep breaths. I can do this.

Quit grabbing my ankles!

With #10 in the record books, I am dealing with another cold and crazy neuropathy. It feels as if someone is randomly grabbing my ankles, then letting go. A bit freaky when standing by the bed in an empty house. My feet are sluggish, which poses challenges on stairs at times. Floppy feet.

I'm not sure if the neuropathy is getting worse, or just reacting to the colder weather. It seems to only go away when my feet are uncomfortably hot...sweaty hot. I have started taking Neurontin to see if the symptoms will subside. Time will tell. I hate taking another med, but this is getting old.

My mouth doesn't seem to be as funky this time around. I am already able to eat without being slimed. This is a good thing, as I have a REALLY hard time drinking when the slimey thing is going on. Once it goes away, I find myself slamming water like crazy.

In the past week, a coworker has received some bad news. His 14 year old son has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. They are in the process of biopsy, will have results on Thursday. Following his story has dredged up memories of when my oldest stepson had his car accident. I feel for this family, as I know the fear they are dealing with. They, too, are in their "earmark". It makes one wonder why things happen like they do...why things happen to innocent children.

If we had an answer, would we accept it?

Here is his Caring Bridge site:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nickcisewski

Please say a prayer for Nick and his family.

#10 is in the record books

I am on my last quart of hydration, and then the needle comes out and I am free! Woot!

My mouth is still pretty funky...everything is slimy. Oatmeal is about all I can eat without getting slimed. Whatever works!

The neuropathy got bad last night...my feet weren't working for a few hours after being outside with the dogs. I probably didn't wear the proper clothing...should have worn 2 pairs of sock and boots to keep the cold away. So hard to get used to...coming from a girl who regularly walked in the snow barefoot. 

We have been trying to get in exercise every day that we can. One outlet for enjoyable exercise for us is to take the dogs to the dog park. Since the weather has been so mild, we are still able to bring the dogs out for some good entertainment. The dog park is a new thing to us this year...I never thought our boy, Maverick, would behave well enough. He tends to be a "red zone" dog when leashed. He is much better off leash, and has taken on the duty to eliminate any conflict in the park. Little Rizzo has turned out to be the social butterfly who loves to run, run, run. It is fun to watch all the dogs run and socialize. We have met some great people there, too. 

I am glad number 10 is done. So glad to think I only have 2 to go. 

Thanks to all who have offered prayers, kind words, cards, meals, and donations. It means so much!!!