Dear Cancer

"Dear Cancer,
I just wanted to thank you for coming into my life. It has been a wonderful journey! When I was diagnosed with you, I had to have you surgically removed. This involved the removal of 6 inches of colon and 15 lymph nodes. You sneaky little shit, you got into 7 of those lymph nodes! That meant I had to do chemo! Yippee!

What did chemo bless me with? Oh, let me think...let's start with the wonderful, slimy sensation in my mouth that causes me to not be able to eat or drink comfortably. Don't forget the cold sensitivity, which has caused me to not be able to eat or drink anything cold for the last five months. Who needs a cold, refreshing drink here and there...especially in the summer? Certainly not me!

Oh, I sleep like a baby...at least 12 hours a day. You did a great job of getting rid of the insomnia I had earlier this year. Now, I can't seem to get enough sleep!

I used to be such a busy-body...always cleaning, running errands, etc. Now, I have a hard time walking a flight of stairs. Life is so much more relaxing, now that I can't clean my own house or run my own errands!

Then, there is the 50 or so strands of hair I have left. How quickly they dry! To think, I used to spend a half an hour or so, drying my hair in the morning. I have so much more time on my hands.

Eyebrows? They have plucked themselves, to the point of almost non-existence. Eyelashes? Who needs them? Facial hair is such a bother!

Oh, and I have developed this beautiful green tinge to my skin. I have always loved green! How did you know?

Don't forget the neuropathy! You know, that pleasant feeling you get when your foot has fallen asleep  and is now waking up? That tingly feeling that makes it hard to walk? That's my feet, 24/7! And, if it happens to go away, all I have to do to bring it back, is blow my nose! It's great! My hands don't have this feeling 24/7, only when I touch things that are colder than room temperature. I make sure to do it often, just to be sure it's still there.

Finally, there's the weight gain. How nice of you to give me an extra 50 pounds of insulation to protect me from the cold winter. I knew you cared.

Thanks again for coming into my life, cancer. I truly feel blessed by your presence."

-Said NO ONE. EVER.

Starting tomorrow, I can look forward to these things slowly going away FOR GOOD. After dealing with this for 5 months, it seems too good to be true. 

Normalcy, here I come. 

Cancer gets one more swing, and then I am on my way.