Reality

When you're diagnosed with cancer, doctors tell you not to Google it. There's just too much stuff out there.

Of course, I didn't listen.

In the start of my diagnosis, I was reading all kinds of stories of people who had colon cancer and kicked it's  butt...and then there were the ones who didn't. After reading a few of the "fought it and died" stories, I heeded my doctor's advice, and stopped Googling. It was just too scary for me to see this battle ahead of me, and absorb the possibility that I might not win.

Now that I am on the downside of the mountain, I snuck a peek again.

When colon cancer is staged, not only is it given a number; it's also given  a letter. Just like the numbers, as the letters progress, the prognosis is worse. Stage III (my stage) is given 3 letter grades: A, B, and C. When my cancer was staged, I was too scared to ask for the letter classification...

In my Googling, I discovered I am stage IIIC, because I had 7 cancerous lymph nodes removed.

Ok, now that I have this info, let's Google "Colon Cancer Stage IIIC 5 year Survival Rates".

27%, according to cancer.org.

Holy. 

Shit.

...

So, there's two ways I can look at this:

A. There's a 73% chance I will be dead in 5 years.
B. There's a 27% chance I will be alive in 5 years and have KICKED IT'S ASS!

I am choosing letter B.

In choosing letter B:
- I can no longer look at letter A. 
- I am committing to a healthy lifestyle packed with lots of fruits, veggies, fish, twigs and birdseed. 
- I am confident in God's plan for me, and will accept whatever that plan is. 
- I commit to appreciate life, and what God has given me: a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, a family who cares, a fantastic group of friends, and two loving furkids. Oh, and let's not forget the SECOND CHANCE I got in my cancer being discovered one stage before terminal. Actually, it was 1/3 of a stage. 
- No more Googling. Everyone's situation is different. Most people diagnosed with stage IIIC are over the age of 70, and can die from other things post diagnosis (the statistics don't account for this). I have youth and my "coming from sturdy stock" in my favor. 

I am a lucky and fortunate girl. Cancer and it's treatment have left me with a long road of recovery, but I am going to walk it. 

Every step. 

Long Road Ahead

My focus, for the last 3 weeks, has been to do what I can do to try and bring feeling back into my hands and feet. 

Acupuncture twice a week seemed to help in the beginning, but now it seems to not make a difference. I notice an improvement for an hour or two, and then I am back to square one.

I was put on a different med, Lyrica, but I still don't know if it has made a difference.

I am eating more fruits and vegetables than I have EVER eaten...eating fish twice a week. No red meat.

I am taking several supplements that have been shown to help with peripheral neuropathy.

Yet, I still can't feel the damned things.

SO FRUSTRATING!!!

Late Friday afternoon, it seemed warmer than it was. The sun was out, and it was in the mid 20's. We decided to take the dogs to the dogpark for a little while. 

When getting out of the truck, Rizzo's leash slipped out of my (numb) hand. She thought she was being let loose in the fenced area, so she took off. For whatever reason, she wouldn't come when we called her. With Ron's back still being "out of commission", and my feet not cooperating, neither one of us could run after her. 

Talk about feeling helpless!

Fortunately, we were able to keep her in sight, and eventually she got cold and went to Ron. I can't tell you how many awful things went through my head, watching her run around this unfamiliar neighborhood. So scary...but I am so thankful it ended up ok. We have her back.  

This situation put my mind into a very big funk. I try to keep my head away from thinking what cancer has taken away from me by thinking about what I still have. This list isn't as long as I would like it to be, and it almost got shorter. Cancer almost took one of our "kids" away from us on Friday.

Yes, I am thankful it didn't, but it was a stark reminder of how far I have yet to go in recovering from being poisoned for 6 months. 

I want so bad to be able to have my old self back. I want to think it will come, but I question it at times. Cancer has changed me in so many ways, but there are some changes that are going to be hard to accept. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in today, not to think about the "whatifs"...so much easier said than done. 

I have to count on the fact that I have the ability to adapt. No matter what the outcome ends up being, I will be able to deal with it.