Acceptance

I haven't posted in awhile, but a lot has happened since my last post.

At the end of February, I started a new drug for my neuropathy called Cymbalta. It seems to have done more for me than anything else I have tried. The pain while walking is still there, but I seem to be able to push through it better. It allowed me to walk far enough to feel comfortable going back in to the office.

Going back to the office has been a nice taste of normalcy, but it has added an element of chaos back into my life that I didn't miss. It's really nice to see my coworkers...to socialize.

I had a CT scan and blood work done mid-March. My blood counts came back the best they have ever been! My CEA was 1.6 (normal is below 2.5), and my hemoglobin was over 13 (normal!). Very encouraging numbers.

I met with my doctor last week to discuss the results of the scan. Everything looked good, except it revealed a 1 cm mass that was not there in the previous scan. 

After four day's worth of exams, ultrasounds, the discovery of another mass, biopsies, and mental chaos, they were found as benign. Not cancer.

The reality of cancer returning is a reality I am not ready to face. Will I ever be ready? No.

All I want is for this nightmare of 2012 to be put behind me and to never look back.

But this is my reality, now that I have had cancer. It could come back at any time, or it could stay away forever. My hope is for the latter, but only God knows what is in store for me. Accepting this reality is the hardest part of my recovery.

So, this is going to be my world for the next few years. Every couple of months, I get a scan, and pray nothing has "sprouted". This being the first time something did, has been a learning experience...as will each one from now on. There will be false alarms...there might be real ones...I need to accept that this is the way life is for a cancer survivor.

Will it get easier? I don't know. My guess is that the more accepting I am of my life's path, the easier it will be.

I need to put it in God's hands.