Happy Labor Day

Warning: Roller coaster ride ahead...fasten your seatbelts, and keep your hands inside the car at all times. 

Happy Labor Day to all...I hope everyone has found something fun and memorable to do for the long weekend.

First of all, the good news...My CT scan came back with no "remarkable" findings. The one lymph node that was of concern last time has subsided, nothing else raising concern. Another CEA was done...2.1! Woot! I can't tell you how good it feels to see progress...it makes all this crap worth it.

Round three was definitely a weird one. It didn't seem to knock me on my butt as bad as the last two, but the other side effects were worse. My hair...ugh. When I condition my hair in the shower, I run my fingers through my hair to catch all the hair that's loose. I then look at the mess in my hands, try not to cry, and ball it up by rubbing my hands together. The hairball I throw away each day is getting bigger, and I don't see how I will have any hair left in a week. I am coming to the realization that I will most likely be shaving my head soon, and it sucks. BUT, it will be the day that this depressing event in the shower ends. I'm just not ready to do it yet. 

My best friend texts me, "The cancer will be gone, your hair will come back."  So true, and so needed to be heard. Thank you, Stace. I love you, girl.

Being back to work part-time is working out really well. I have been able to telecommute most of the time and this is working out great. It gives me a taste of normalcy and a sense of purpose again. 

Yesterday, The hubby and I went to the riverbank and he did some fishing. I sat and watched, not feeling like dealing with bait and a fishing pole. It was a half-hearted effort to catch a catfish. I think, for both of us, it was more of an effort to escape from the "black cloud". It worked. 

The water smelled so good. There was a bit of "people traffic" where we were...couples would come with their dogs, throwing sticks for them to fetch from the water. A couple of Russian-speaking men were about 25 yards up the shore from us, catching carp like crazy. All fun to watch. 

One the way home, we heard a song - P.M. Dawn's - I'd Die Without You - that reminded me of one of our first trips to Duluth, almost 20 years ago. It was an overnight trip, and the song reminded me of waking up with the morning sun shining through the window. We worked nightshift back then, and morning sun was a rare sight to us. The sun rising over Lake Superior was breathtaking. We watched it drinking warm bottled Frappucino (blech). 

The song continued to play, and I was listening to the words:

Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done. 
But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning... 
Is it my turn to be the one to cry. 
Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around... 

What a way to turn a great, fuzzy-good day into a total sobfest. 

In five days, it will be the 20 year anniversary of our first date. It makes me reminisce back to a time when things were simple. A time when a bad hair day was crisis. 

Ron is the best thing that ever happened to me. We have been through so much, and continue to love each other more everyday. He is my best friend. He is my rock. He has been so strong and supportive. After the song was over, he squeezed my hand and told me he loved me and realized I was crying (I was trying to hide it). My tears were a mix of overwhelming gratefulness for everything he has done for me, and of sadness that all this shit has happened. 

There is nothing I can do to change the fact that I have been diagnosed with cancer, I know this. But, I hate being a "downer". I hate being tired all the time. I hate crying. I hate saying, "I'm probably not going to be in any mood to go out that day...it will be 2 days post-chemo", when asked if I want to go out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date. 

I hate cancer. I. fucking. hate. it.

I told him how much I appreciated him, and apologized for not telling him that enough. He kissed my hand and told me he loved me and that I was his world, he wasn't going anywhere. It made things better. It made me turn back around and look forward. Our memories are so sweet and loving, but I can't look at them right now. I need to look forward, and focus on what I can do to kick cancer's ass. The first thing, is to remember I have a wonderful supportive man at my side, and wonderful supportive family and friends at the other. This gives me so much strength. It makes me want to fight and take my life back. 

After round four, we are 1/3 the way through this nightmare.  

Bring it on.